It has been 4 years since I’ve typed a prayer to You on my website. Of course I have prayed to You for the past 4 years, but for some reason it feel like I’m coming back to You again. Interesting.
A lot has happened in 4 years. The last prayer that I typed was right before Annabel was born. She will soon be 4 years old and during those 4 years things have only gotten worse for me. We have a house, we have more money, we have another child Benjamin whom I adore. I am a better housekeeper, I’ve learned to wash dishes and cook and clean. I’ve become nicer and more understanding. I’ve become much humbler and a lot less naive. However, I would love to return to 4 years ago, because things were better.
My spiritual life has only gone downhill. Perhaps I have a deeper understanding about life, but I do not have a close relationship with You. I am smarter, but farther away from You. I sin everyday, and I sin more and more, and I am a slave. I used to feel really bad about my sins, but nowadays I almost feel nothing at all. I’ve broken a very important promise I made to You. A promise about not playing games. That was absolutely terrible and I apologize and repent a million times that I did that. I have another promise I made to you about never reading Manga for the rest of my life. I do not want to break that one. I really don’t want to. Hopefully I won’t.
My relationship with my wife is absolutely horrible. She has no respect for me because I’ve continued to lose her respect with my leadership. I’ve gotten even more lazy than before. I’ve lost interest in dating my wife because its so hard according to me. I’ve tried to manipulate my wife by playing victim. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’ve been depressed and divorcidal. 4 years ago I never imagined this would happen to me.
Do I regret the path I am on. Not at all. Why? Because I’m still on the path that leads to You. I still believe in You and Your salvation for me. I have learned to put more and more trust in You, because I’ve learned that there is no hope in a human weakness like myself. I am confident not in my abilities, but confident in Your confidence in me. You have a plan for me, and even though I am dirty with sin, weak, shameful, still masturbating to porn and lazier than ever, I know You have not given up hope in me.
Thank you Jesus. You are the best and the world will never know it. Maybe in the future things will get even worse. Maybe I will still be a weakling against sin. Maybe my wife will hate me even more, and I might hate her even more, but I will never stop believing in Your salvation and forgiveness and I know that You will come and set me free. You will guide my path because, after all, I am Your son and You are my father.
Bless my wonderful wife and my two kids who are a direct gift from You. I thank you for them and I know that Nastia is the best wife in the whole world. No lie of Satan will hold long against her. She is the best wife in the whole world and I know it. Bless her and give her a better husband. (I’m talking about me only).
Yes! Yes! Yes!