I don’t know what is going on half the time in my life. I don’t even understand what is happening inside my spiritual state. I have a sense of guilt, but I also have a sense of true humility. I am disappointed in myself, but I also put my trust into You. Maybe not fully trust You, but still I somewhat trust You and depend upon You. I fear what would happen in You took away Your mercies. For things concerning money I both worry about it, and give you part of my worry. I understand that You provide everything and all my financial blessings come from You, but at the same time I try to take care of things myself also.
How do you define this position of mine. Am I still in the world and coming out towards You. Or Am I still in the world with a false illusion that I am somewhat close to You. Perhaps I am sliding away from You back in the world? Or Maybe, just maybe, with my little faith, I am walking the difficult but narrow path?
You promised me help. You have done so many times in Your Word. If my people will humble themselves, turn from their evil ways and pray and seek Me, I will heal their land. Have I humbled myself Lord? Yes I have. I feel it inside me. I have nothing to boast about. I feel helpless and powerless. I feel so small. Thank You Lord for finally answering my prayer about humility. Perhaps there is more work to be done with me. Please don’t stop. Have I turned from my evil ways? I don’t know about this. All I can say is that I try. Somethings I have definitely turned away from. But I’m sure there are others evil things in my life that I still need to leave. Do I pray? No I do not, but I am starting to again. I am typing my sincere prayer here right now. When we put the children to sleep, my prayer is no unfocused. I’m just saying words and sometimes that is my only prayer the whole day. I need more prayer, more time to focus on You.
Do I seek You? Yes, but very very weakly. I also reject You during temptations. First I seek You, and then I push You away, and then I ask for forgiveness and feel guilty in my soul, and then still I am lazy about seeking You which leads to another successful temptation by the devil.
I am seeking You right now. I need Your help. My life is crumbling. My family is suffering. We are shining the wrong light to the world. The light of Jesus is not shining through us. Save us. Please save me and my wife and my children. Save us.
I want to be washed. I want my sinful strings to be cut. I want to burn with a fire. I want to work and work and work and feel good about it. I want to sleep well at night. I don’t want this burden anymore. I want to give it up to Jesus. I want to be with Jesus. I want my mind completely rewired. I want wisdom and understanding from God to flood me. I want to be Holy.
Hear my prayer. Hear what I am praying. You know what I need. Hear me.