Sometimes I don’t have the right words to explain what I am feeling, what I am going through. Sometimes I feel there is a quiet voice inside me that is trying to speak to me, but I am too busy or too stubborn to hear it. Sometimes I think that I am so set on my Christian way, its almost like a procedure, and I don’t allow room for the Holy Spirit to really work with me. When I close my eyes and really think about what it right, and search for the truth, sometimes I don’t know what it is. What is the truth God, where can I find it, and how do I follow it.
I live by my faith in Your mercy to me. I live with the knowledge and understanding that You have forgiven my sins and will help me be strong spiritually. I think every bible reading person would say that is a really good position to be in. What I lack, and lately I can really feel it, is that my relationship with You at a personal level is just terrible. I don’t have a good connection with You. I would rather work all day instead of spend time with You. King David said that his heart would rejoice when someone told him to go to the Temple of the Lord. My heart doesn’t rejoice when it is time to go to church. I catch myself thinking that its good to show up so people will think I’m present. I don’t rejoice when it is time to read the bible at night. I sometimes pray extra long at night not because I’m enjoying my communication with You, but because a short prayer will make my wife unhappy and concerned about me.
What do I really want. I want to be closer to You. Really closer. I want all my doubts about doing the right thing to go away. I want temptations and trails to be painful, but I want peace inside my heart. When there is peace in my heart nothing matters. I can lose my health and my money, but if I have peace it will be like I lost nothing at all. You promised in Your word to give peace to those who seek it and ask it of You. Please give me Your peace.
I know that there are probably a few things in my life that are stopping me from having this inner peace. The first most obvious one is that I don’t spend enough time eating the bread of life. I don’t spend enough time thinking about You and not enough time reading the bible. It is no wonder that peace in my life is lacking. I’m hungry! Secondly after that I know that I have established very terrible bad habits of laziness. I don’t like washing, cleaning, and helping others with chores. What am I going to teach my children if I continue to be like that. I know that I always feel much better if I have worked hard all day long and helped my wife. It makes me feel good about helping and working. I believe that it was in Your plan for all mankind. Ever since Adam sinned you have punished all men by making them work hard for their bread. Those who do not work hard have their inner peace destroyed. There are no exceptions to Your rules.
The third thing that most likely stops me from having inner peace is my lack of love. Lots of the things that I do are only about myself. When was the last time I did something for my wife purely out of selfless love. I go shopping with her and drive her here and there, but most of the time I do it out of obligation for my duties as a husband. That is not right. I need to sacrifice my time, money, and energy to show love to my wife. If I can’t properly show love to my own wife how will I show love to others? How will I serve others?
The longer I think about my state the more flaws I find. Yet just finding those flaws will do nothing for me if I don’t actually do something about it. A few days ago I realized that I have become too obsessed with checking the stats of my website. I promised You that I would not check on my website stats until Monday. So far I have kept my promise to You and I feel better about it. I don’t waste time and every morning I go straight to work on things that I need to do. This is a victory for me, and I believe that You were to one who helped me realize it and helped me fix it.
Please help me realize more things, and realize solutions. I have discovered of few of my faults. Now help me actually try to do something about them. Help me deal with them and try to overcome them. Give me good ideas on what to do. Put new desires in my heart and helpful reminders in my mind at appropriate times. Set my heart of fire to fight. I want to fight the flesh and fight the devil. I want to be a real solider for You and the battle starts with me. I need to go to the training camp. I need to get myself in order so that I would be useful on the battlefield. I need to sharpen my sword and strengthen my shield. I need to learn how to use the sword properly. David said that You taught him to fight with the sword. Lord, please teach me as well. Take me as I am, weak and sinful, and train me personally so that I would be able to use the sword in battle.
I want to always pray deeply with You. I want to search deep within my heart and allow all my desires to surface. I want nothing to be buried down there that should be brought up and thrown out. I want to protect my heart from all unclean desires and live with a powerful fire for You. I don’t want to be a warm person. I want to be strong. I want to burn hotly. I want people to feel the fire within me and to react to it. Transform me Lord. Take out everything that is bad. Change me, mold me, heal me. I want to be Yours.
Continue to bless me and my family. Continue to hold Nastia close under Your protection. In Your Name I pray.