I want to take a moment and just think. Not say any words, but take a moment to just think. Honest to myself and to the voice inside, I ask myself where I am with You. Are You happy with me, God? Do You look upon me with favor? Are You proud to call me Your son? Is my heart clear and pure before You? Is my body, a temple to God, suitable for Your presence. Sometimes in my thoughts I have doubts about whether or not I am on good terms with You. Sometimes I know for sure that my relationship is not good, and other times I wonder. I know that sin will always make me feel that there is something between us, but what if there is no sin, just a lack of interest?
I ask myself the question of how interested am I in God. How much do I want his presence? How much time do I want to spend with Him. Do I really want to pray and read the Bible right this minute. The honest answer is no. I don’t really want to read the Bible right now. Its in my schedule to read it late at night and so far I have no interest in changing it. Do I want to pray right now. Yes and no. Yes I feel that I need to pray. I don’t want to live a sinful life and I know prayer will help me get through. Do really burn with desire to pray to You. No. I don’t. Its more of an obligation that I know I must fulfill. There are lots of obligations that I feel I must fulfill. I must keep my promises. I don’t really want to keep my promises to You or to my wife, but I feel that I must honor them. I must or else it will be bad for me. I feel that I must be honest. I feel that its really terrible to lie. I still lie from time to time, please forgive me and help me stop doing that, but my point is sometimes I just do things purely out of fear and obligation.
I now understand one very important thing. For my walk with You to be easy, according to Your word that Your yoke is light, I must want to follow every direction that You give me. I must take immense satisfaction and pride in obeying You. I must absolutely want to stay away from sin and to follow Your guidance. I must love reading the Bible and read extra chapters all the time. I must seek deeper content when I read Your word not because it is good for me, but because I desire to study Your word. I must enjoy helping others. I must enjoy at least talking to others and sharing my time with them. I must not be a foolish selfish person who seeks his own will not just because its bad to be like that, but because I truly am a selfless person who wants to do Your will.
Once again I am just talking. I’m just praying out my good thoughts that I know lead me closer and closer to the truth every time. Now let me take action. What should I do? I should first of all eliminate distractions from my world that keep me from reading the Bible and praying. Work is a distraction. Let me try to stop what I am doing early every night so that I will have time to read more of the Bible. Let my stop doing everything by 11am and begin to earnestly have an evening time with You. Work can always wait because there should me nothing more important that to spend time with a wonderful God.
Continue to work with me God. Continue to clear my mind of any foolish thoughts and desires. Teach me words of wisdom with which I can help my close brothers and sisters. Help me not to be a thinker of things and a sayer of words, but to be a doer of deeds. I want to put my faith into action. I want to use my time properly so that I don’t have any regrets. I already regret all those years of wasted time playing games, watching movies, and just acting foolish. Now is the time for me to be different and to act accordingly. Now is the time for me to become a faithful Son of God whose sword is sharp and ready for battle. A Son who has polished his shield of faith and will not be easily defeated. A Son whose arms are strong to fight and who legs don’t fear the battlefield. That is the kind of Son that I want to be. I believe that I will become like that because that is the vision that I see in Your word.
Thank you for everything. I am really happy with everything that You have given me. I am very happy that You have blessed me so abundantly. Thank you. Continue to bless me and Nastia. Bless our little baby.
In Your Name I pray.